Movies-n-Stuff: Director's Cut

We had a good weekend, chillin' out and stuff. We went swimming and walked around and just generally relaxed. This might be my last Movies-n-stuff for a little while. We have to go to Jacksonville this weekend and next weekend we're in Orlando. Not that anyone cares anyway. Whoa is me.

Movies watched:

War of the Worlds

House on Haunted Hill (1959)

Soldiers Pay

Forbidden Zone

Save the Green Planet!

North Country

Clerks 2

War of the Worlds: I figured I would review the best first. That was hard to even think with a straight face. This movie is so clichéd it makes me want to rip Spielberg's toenails out. The ending nearly made me puke all over my television. The only saving grace was the aliens. They were pretty alright. They killed a lot of people. That's good, I guess. Although, I can't understand why they are limited to human senses to find people (and ultimately shoot them or shove them up a huge alien ship sphincter). Don't you think a race of aliens who can fly around and kill people with lasers and are all chromed up and stuff, would have heat sensors or something?

House on Haunted Hill (1959): Vincent Price stars as Fredrick Loren, millionaire playboy, who has offered 5 guests an opportunity to receive $5,000 dollars a piece to stay at a haunted house for a night. There aren't a whole lot of special effects, which makes the movie better. Vincent Price is great. Definitely worth a watch.
The 1999 remake isn't quite as good (as a matter of fact, its bad), even though its tagline is "Evil loves to party". It does have a young, hot Taye Diggs, though.

Soldier's Pay: This was supposed to be an extra on a special edition DVD of David O. Russell's "Three Kings". The studio wouldn't put it on there, so he released it on it's own. It's only 35 minutes with not many extras, except some extended scenes and bonus footage. A documentary about American soldiers and some Iraqis dealing with both Iraq wars. A lot of the people in this film were actors in "Three Kings", the most interesting being twins who differ on the invasion. The biggest chunk deals with a few soldiers who actually found 760 million dollars in a couple of houses in Iraq and the aftermath of their find, which is kind of like something they dealt with in Three Kings. This was definitely enjoyable.

Forbidden Zone: I beg you, please don't do any drugs before watching this. Or, maybe you just shouldn't watch it at all. Either way, the filmmakers were on enough drugs at the time, where you will probably feel a contact high. I know I did.
Have you ever heard of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo? They were an early version of the band Oingo Boingo. They had a huge stage show, with tons of costumes and props and naked ladies. This is the movie version of that show, most of which takes place in the sixth dimension, where topless princesses, human-size frogs, and dry humping, are an often occurrence. Danny Elfman stars as the devil, doing an Al Jolson impression. The music is great. Way better than Oingo Boingo ever was. I suggest you think about this movie for a few days before watching it. Better yet, rent it, let is sit there on top of your DVD player for, like, a week. If you still want to watch, than do it.

Save the Green Planet!: This is the most schizophrenic movie I've ever seen. Its a comedy, then it's a horror, then its a detective whodunit flick. It's crazy! So there's this guy who thinks there are aliens on Earth and they look just like humans. He thinks the head of a chemical company is the leader of the aliens, so he kidnaps him. Is the guy a drug-crazed maniac, or is there something to his delusions? You have to find out by watching this movie! There are some close to unbearable torture scenes, but its worth it. Those Koreans sure do know how to make a torture scene. The main character is amazing, he goes from handsome to nuitzoid in, like, a second. If you enjoy conspiracy theories, tight rope walking, torture, 2001: A Space Odyssey, or death by bees, than this is your movie!

North Country: This is about the first successful class action sexual harassment lawsuit. It stars Charlize Theron, Woody Harrelson, Frances Mcdormand, Sissy Spacek and Sean Bean. It does a good job getting you ticked off about the whole sexual harassment thing, with the gross dudes putting bodily fluids in places other than the toilet and generally being gross. If the whole movie had been just that, it would have been great. Everyone would have stood up together and been, like, "Hey, We must do something about this harassment thing thats been goin' around". But, no, instead they put the sappiest ending EVER on this thing. I was screaming at my television, cursing Charlize's name, and guess what? Now Im pro-harassment. I can't help it. This movie drove me to it. Some people are into sappy endings. I'm not one of them.

Clerks 2: So, Leslee and I were kinda split on this movie. I thought it was funny and had some slow parts. She thought it was slow and had some funny parts. This is my blog, so I trump her. The funny parts are very funny. I haven't laughed out loud this much at the theater in a while. Probably not since I saw Mission Impossible 2. The slow parts are kind of unbearable. There was one scene that seemed to go on for, like, twenty minutes, and was just not funny at all. I think that's because Kevin Smith act as his own editor. He should probably get some outside opinion on that crap. Anyways, I really think Randal saves the movie. He's such a smart-ass. I really don't know why this guy hasn't become more famous. He's like every sidekick in every movie that the Frat Pack has put out. His compact interpretation of the Lord of the Rings trilogy is classic.

Movies Acquired:

Apocalypse Now Redux

Fugazi: Instrument

Natural Born Killers

The Naked Cosmos (TV)

Secret Lives of Dentists

Down With Love

Up next on the Queueueueueueuue:

Murder By Death (1976)

Why Dogs Smile and Chimpanzees Cry

Brick

Curb Your Enthusiasm (Season 5)

Bartleby

Hopscotch (1980)

Movies-n-Stuff: Confessions of a Trick Baby

What a crazy weekend! Leslee was in Colorado for a D&D convention, so I had the place all to myself. I went tubing at the Ichetucknee (pronounced Itch-Uh-Tuckney) river with some friends. Then I had some barbeque and I may or may not have watched some naughty movies. Movies that I probably won't review. Movies that all have the same plot. That's right, I had a Steven Seagal marathon.

Movies watched:

Bio-Zombie

Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

All The Presidents Men

Patton

Lady in The Water

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Bio-Zombie: A Chinese zombie flick! 2 bootleg DVD sellers accidently feed some zombie juice to a guy they hit with their car. That guy bites two guys. Those two guys bite two guys each and so on and son on. 90% of this movie takes place in a mall, bringing obvious comparisons to Dawn of the Dead. Its funnier, though. More intentional comedy. I mean, come on, sushi made of human fingers! Classic! It's fun, but you have to be ready for some cheese. But, if you dig zombie flicks, you should be used to cheese, and if your used to cheese, then you should dig this movie.

Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada translated is Three Burials of Eric Estrada. I gotta say I was WAAAY disappointed in this movie. It won a couple of golden sandwiches at Cannes last year, but didn't do much at the American box office. Which, to be honest, usually means I'm gonna like it. Tommy Lee Jones starred in and directed this film. He seems to try a little too hard in his role as a distraught cowboy, upset over the killing of his illegal immigrant, Mexican best friend Eric (Melquiades). There are at least two ridiculous coincidences in this movie that are impossible to overlook, and make me think the writing could have been better. Also, the ending is super-sappy. I just can't handle super-sappy.

All The Presidents Men: Robert Redford AND Dustin Hoffman.Together!! I can hardly even stand it. So, I've never seen this before, and it was great. Good performances, good writing, good, good, good. It holds up. Let's not overlook an early performance by the dad from 7^th Heaven. But, man, seriously, that Jason Robards He's like, THE most magnetic dude ever on film. I could watch him watch paint dry for, like, ever.

Patton: I wasn't quite as enthralled with this, but it was good. George C. Scott was an amazing actor. I do prefer his quirkier stuff like "Dr. Strangelove" or "They Might Be giants", but he's pretty great in everything. My only complaint about this movie is the length. It felt very long. There are some extremely slow scenes.

Lady in the Water: I feel all mixed up inside. I watched this on Friday and I still haven't decided if I liked or not and probably never will. I keep telling myself, at least M. Night Shamomalon tried something different, but I don't know if I've convinced myself that the something different was good. I'm glad he didn't have a surprise ending, though. I think if I were 11 or 12 years old I would have enjoyed the movie a lot. A wacky group of people come together to save a mysterious water lady, who's pretty. That's the stuff that 12 year old dreams are made of. But, for adults, its the cheesy dialogue and M. Night the Egomaniac that turns us off. I usually don't like to spoil a plot, so if you don't want to be spoiled skip the rest of this. This dude, Shemammalon, who is not a good actor, actually put himself in a role, that is, literally, supposed to be the most important person on Earth. How could he do that and NOT expect people to think he is a total egomaniac! I don't get it. That's the sort of thing that distracts me from just enjoying the movie. Can't this dude just make a movie with a good plot, no twist ending, not put himself in it, get rid of the cheesy dialogue, and shut the hell up. If he could do all of that, he'd be making good movies.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Robert Downey Jr. and The Val (Val Kilmer) star in this campy film noir. I really enjoyed it. It seems like The Down Man is back in old form: first in A Scanner Darkly and now in this. He is definitely mixing some of himself into his characters now-a-days. His character is frantic and wacky, as he stumbles into becoming an actor, thus getting mixed up with The Val, who portrays a consultant, training the Down Man how to be a P.I. The Down Man quickly gets in too deep, and blah blah blah. The plot doesn't really matter. Plots for most film noirs don't really matter. They all get wrapped up with a pretty little bow at the end.
I was relieved to find that The Val had a smaller role than I originally thought. I'm not really a fan, but he was good in this. It's one of those times where the character just fits the actor, so he doesn't have to try very hard. Watch It!

I've got a headache from all this movie watchin'.

-Dan

Coming up on the Queueueueueueueu:

North Country

Save the Green Planet!

War of the Worlds

Soldier's Pay

Forbidden Zone