Movie Blog 3000

So, I've been in kind of a rut. I haven't been up to writing a blog, or going out, or getting up of the couch… and you know what that means, I watched a whole crap-load of movies. I'm talkin' serious. On top of that Leslee and I have been watching a butt-ton of TV shows on DVD. For example: Big Love, The American Version of The Office (Season Two), Extras, Everybody Hates Chris and Police Squad. All pretty amazing shows. We've been in the mood to laugh and all of these, with exception of Big Love, have done a pretty darn good job of it. Big Love does, however, make me appreciate the fact that I only have one wife (I love you stink-ums).

Movies Watched:

Zardoz

Children of Men

Strangers with Candy

Jackass: Number Two

Little Murders

Bride of Re-Animator

Stranger Than Fiction

Idlewild

Pan's Labyrinth

Manhattan

The Brood

Movies Rewatched:

Mimic

Ocean's 11

Ocean's 12 (Gotta start getting ready for Ocean's 13, you know I'm sayin'?….What? Like you aren't excited. Come on, gimme a break.)

Fargo

I wasn't sure what kind of theme I should go for this time around, so I figured I would go for random meats (or meat substitutes).

6-Inch Golden Sandwich: This sandwich is made with neck (probably turkey).

1Ft Golden Sandwich: This sandwich is made with tongue (probably beef, but you can never be sure – remember, don't eat the brown meat and always know your butcher).

2 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one is made with rump.

3 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one with rump substitute (perhaps a rump shaped wheat gluten of some sort)

4 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one with olive loaf (or olive loaf substitute)

5 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one is made with breast (probably chicken, or chicken substitute, for instance: tofu shaped like a breast).

ZARDOZ:

How have I lived without this movie? Sean Connery is at his best as far as loincloth wearing goes.

This is how this movie got made: Director (John Boorman) has a big, gigantic hit with his previous film (Deliverance), suddenly he has the power of picking his next project and instead of doing the reasonable thing and not making this film, he makes this film, his passion project, of which he wrote the screenplay when he was 12 years old and had his gay brother pick the costumes for (not to imply that a gay man would make a bad costume, only that a gay man may enjoy looking at the unwaxed bliss that is Sean Connery's chest for what seems to be a six hour long movie). It's almost like one of those 'your own farts smell good' sort of situations. You smile, while everyone else gags. It's so bad, it's a must-see.

2 Ft. of Sympathetic Golden Sandwich

Children of Men:

Leslee thought this would be a little too intense for her, so my movie watching buddy, Sondra, and I went to go see this, while Leslee stayed home and crocheted an afghan with Bjork's likeness on it.
If you haven't seen this yet, you should. It ruled hard. With exception of 'Croupier' and 'Sin City' I hadn't been all that impressed with Clive Owen. He pretty much plays the same character in most everything, and he does that here too, but for some reason it works better. Julianne Moore, Michael Caine and Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dirty Pretty Things) are all in it and they're great.

It takes place in the not-to-distant future, where the ladies can't have babies anymore, and the dudes just sit around playing video games all the time, oblivious to everything. Clive ends up being in charge of protecting and transporting the only pregnant woman on Earth. The last twenty minutes are super-intense and awesome. Do yourself a favor.

4 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Strangers with Candy:

This was funny, but pretty much a re-hash of the show. Which was a really funny show, so this was funnier than most movies, but not as funny as I was hoping. They did the tons of wasted guest-stars thing, such as Philip Seymour Hoffman, Sarah Jessica Parker and Alison Janney. The exception being Matthew Broderick, who plays Stephen Colbert's rival science project guru. He was pretty funny. Overall, though, I'd say just watch repeats of the show. Sorry Erin.

2 Ft. 6 Inches of Candy Sandwich

Jackass: Number Two:

I have a confession to make. I love Jackass. I love the show, I love the movies. I love Bam Margera and his parents. I nearly busted my relatively robust gut watching this movie and I'd do it again. Judge me if you must, but this is HI-STINKIN'-LARIOUS.

4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Little Murders:

My buddy Dan lent this to me and I was very much appreciative. It stars Elliott Gould as a down on his luck nihilist who ends up getting in a relationship with the most optimistic woman on Earth, who is bound and determined to change his gloomy ways. Alan Arkin directs and makes a quick appearance in this, but the best supporting actor Golden Sandwich goes to Donald Sutherland, who plays a nihilistic hippie preacher who marries the two in one of the best wedding ceremonies I've ever seen in a movie. Totally worth a watch.

3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Bride of Re-Animator:

Wow, I didn't think they could rival the first one, but they did. With style. Up next 'Beyond Re-animator'. Let's see just how much 'Re-animator' one guy can take. Bring it.

3 Ft. of Re-animated Golden Sandwich (It's got that awesome neon lime sauce on it)

Stranger Than Fiction:

Will Ferrell plays Harold Crick, a dude who starts to hear his life narrated to him as it's happening. Emma Thompson plays the writer writing his life and Queen Latifah Dustin Hoffman and Maggie Gyllanhaal are thrown in there for good measure. I really enjoyed this. It's like Charlie Kaufman-light. You leave the theater feeling very good about the movie, yourself and the world we live in. In other words, if you had the temptation to kick an infant or a kitten or something, you should watch this and you'll probably feel better, but if you don't, you should probably make a paper mache infant or kitten and kick that instead.

4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Idlewild:

I was totally disappointed in this. I'm an Outkast fan and the music in this is pretty good, but not great. The movie is like one long music video. It's got some great effects and cool little bits of filler , but know substance at all. There is no story to this movie. You sit there and you watch it and you realize nothing happens through the whole movie. But Andre 3000 is so cute.

2 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Pan's Labyrinth:

I'm not going to say a lot about this, but that you should go see it with everyone you know. There were a couple of plot issues that bugged me, but are easily made up for in every other aspect. Nobody is making movies like Guillermo Del Toro. The dude rules hard. If you haven't seen The Devil's Backbone or Cronos, you should see those. Even his more mainstream Hollywood movies, like Hellboy and Mimic, rule. I'm already waiting for next movie.

4 ft. 6 Inches if Golden Sandwich

Manhattan:

This is one of those "classic" movies I'd never seen before. I really enjoyed it. It made me realize why people used to care about Woody Allen so much. At this point I've gotten used to seeing his horrible or extremely overrated new movies. The fact that he's 45 and is dating a 17 year old (Mariel Hemingway) in this movie is a little more than creepy, though, considering the events that have transpired since. Sometimes I wish I were a short, whiny, balding Jewish guy with inch thick glasses, so the ladies would like me.

4 Ft. of Ray's Famous Golden Sandwich

The Brood:

This is an early David Cronenberg flick about a couple who are separated and the wife is in an experimental psychiatric hospital. While she's there her loved ones start getting killed of by evil little people. I enjoyed this, but it almost, dare I say it, needs to be remade. It's a movie that would benefit from modern special effects. Especially cool modern special effects.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

So, as far as the Oscars go, I'm kinda surprised at how many of the movies nominated I thoroughly enjoyed this year. Usually I'll only have seen 2 or 3 of all of the movies nommed, but this year I've seen most of them. It makes me wonder, are my sensibilities becoming more mainstream, or did the academy just pick better movies this year. Who knows? They're a bunch of jerks anyway.

Sorry this blog is so long. I'm going to start trying to get these out once a week, but I'm lazy, so don't bet on it.

Coming Up on the Queueueue:

Some Like It Hot

The Devil's Rejects

Polyester

Idiocracy

Rabbit-Proof Fence

Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms

Duck Season

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter