Movies-n-Junk

I've been feeling the Christmas burn. Does anyone else feel the same way? The only thing that's saving me is the James Brown Christmas CD I've been jammin'. Other than that I'm sick of it already and we've still got 2 weeks until it's over.

A couple of weird things happened to me this week. Leslee and I were taking a walk in our neighborhood the other day and saw the top portion of a set of dentures laying in someone's yard. It was pretty sweet.
Second, if you've lived in Tallahassee long enough, you get to know the town folk pretty well. There's the guy with the huge belly dangling from the bottom of his shirt. He enjoys walking frumpily down the sidewalk and flipping you the bird. Then there's the lady in front of the homeless shelter, who makes sloppy, wet kissy faces at passers-by, which is one of my fondest first memories of Tally. Lastly, There's the lady with giant buzooms. I'm thinking probably 98 double Q's or something. She moseys slowly everywhere she goes. She's got one of those crazy kind of looks that most people avoid like a rabid squirrel. So, anyways, this lady, who is extremely noticeable, tried to pick my pocket yesterday! I was walking through Kleman Plaza, we made eye contact, I did my usual human to human acknowledgment, then she casually tried to reach into my man-purse. I swatted her hand away and she just stared at me. I kept walking, turned around, and she was still staring. Then I was like, "God, I can't wait to blog about this." It was awesome.

Holiday Sandwiches (I guess most holiday sandwiches would include some sort of desert, at least this is all my imagination could come up with)

6 in. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has lumps of coal on it.
1 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has 2 year-old fruitcake on it.
2 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has 1 year-old fruitcake on it.
3 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has fresh fruitcake on it.
4 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has cookies and milk on it and must be eaten by your parents late on Christmas Eve.
5 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This is a ginger bread sandwich.

Movies Watched:

Salesman (1969)

Beales of Grey Gardens

Casino Royale (2006)

Reel Paradise

The Beastmaster

49 Up

Rockers (1978)

Slither

The Long Goodbye (1973)

Wilbur (Wants to Kill Himself)

Troy

Man Without a Past

Black Christmas (1974)

Movies Rewatched:

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Layer Cake

Salesman (1969):

This is a documentary I've been wanting to see for a long time, but had a hard time finding it anywhere. I was shocked to discover it in the library. Who would of thought that place was good for anything? This is a Maysles Brothers film, just like the next review.
This is about a group of ruthless bible salesman in the late sixties. They will do or say anything to sell a $50 bible to anyone. If it's just the wife home, they try to convince them to buy the bible as a surprise, if it's just the husband they guilt him into it by telling him how good it would be for his family and if the wife tries to interfere, you hear the inevitable "who wears the pants" line. If you don't buy, they reluctantly leave your house and immediately start making fun of you, your ethnicity and sometimes even your religion. It's amazing. My jaw was on the floor. You finding yourself rooting against them the whole time.
4 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich that I'll sell for 6 easy installments of $7.95

Beales of Grey Gardens:

This is a follow-up to the classic 1974 documentary 'Grey Gardens'. The 90 minutes of footage was shot around the same time as the original, but never released. If you haven't seen the original and you enjoy documentaries, you should watch both. Right now! These women were amazing. Relatives of Jackie O., they still talk like they are members of high society, but their dilapidated house and shabby clothes tell another story. They live with a ridiculous amount of cats, they have raccoons living with them, side by side, and all they eat is ice cream. Yet, they're spirits are up and they seem to have a grand old time living together, yelling at each other and telling stories. The extra features on this Criterion Collection disc, including many Maysles Brothers interviews, are fantastic. Totally worth putting in your queueueue or just buying.

5 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Casino Royale (2006):

So, I'm not much into Bond. I actually don't think I've ever even seen a Bond flick all the way through before, but I thought Daniel Craig was an interesting choice, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It was mostly worth it. There's tons of fun action and cheesy dialogue. There's lots of hot half-nekkid Daniel Craig, and surpisingly not that much half-nekkid ladies. That's one thing I liked, most every character, man or woman, good or bad, is a strong character. There's no room for weaklings in this Bond world.
It's a big ol' fun action flick worth a little looky-loo.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich Phone

Reel Paradise:

This is a documentary about the Pierson Family. John, who is best known for helping discover, among others, Michael Moore, Spike Lee and Richard Linklater. They go to Fiji to show free movies at a shabby old movie theatre in the middle of nowhere. While they are there, their house gets broken into a couple of times and they get all mad and eventually get over it. That's about the only threatening thing that happens. The most interesting part is how much more the kids are affected by Fiji. They're in their teens and adapt very quickly to the culture and schools. Their parents, on the other hand, see it as more of a year-long vacation, so they don't really try to absorb the culture much at all. The whole movie is pretty non-threatening and happy. I prefer dark and depressing, but whatever.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

The Beastmaster:

What more could you want in a movie. There's a dude that can communicate with animals and he's totally ripped. I wonder how much double-sided tape they used for Marc Singer's loincloth. Seriously though, can you imagine a world where this dude and Dr. Doolittle coexisted. If they teamed up they could totally take over the world. On the other hand if they didn't like each other, which I think is the more realistic choice, the world would probably spiral into chaos and mass hysteria. Dr. Doolittle would obviously be the good side and Beastmaster would be the bad (or the dark) side. Ultimately, I think good would triumph, but who knows. Or, maybe, Dr. Doolittle would get control over the cute, fluffy animals, like bunnies and squirrels, and Beastmaster would get control over the ugly animals, like vultures and ugly squirrels. Then I think Beastmaster would probably win. I'm thinking they should do some sort of cross-over comic book or something.
2 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

49 Up:

I'm starting to get sick of talking about these movies. So, I'll talk about something else. When I used to work at Vinyl Fever (a record store in Tallahassee), I used to do ordering for the reggae section. I am a huge reggae fan, and have a pretty big collection, but the thing that was great was you never new what you were going to get when you opened the reggae order box. Usually it was just a matter of the records condition. The copyright laws are (or were) different over there, so pretty much anyone can sell anything by any artist. Ultimately, what happens is everyone has poor pressings and sometimes stuff (dirt, leaves, junk) would be pressed into the vinyl records. A few times we even found marijuana seeds being used for what seemed to be packing material. Very funny. Anyway, the next movie made me think of all of this.
By the way, 49 Up is good.
4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Rockers (1978):

This is a Jamaican flick about a dude who buys a motorcycle so he can become a music distributor and be in a band at a hotel (or something like that). He proceeds to get his bike stolen and tries to seek revenge. The plot doesn't really matter, but the music does. Every once in a while people break out in song, and it's fantastic. I've had the soundtrack for a long time, but didn't realize that everyone on the soundtrack is also in the movie. For example, Gregory Isaacs, Jacob Miller, Burning Spear, Big Youth, Dillinger, and the list goes on. There's also a character named Horsemouth. It's pretty sweet.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Lawd-a-mercy Golden Sandwich

Slither:

If you enjoy cheesy horror, I suggest you see this movie. It rules hard! It's definitely a throwback to 80's cheese horror. I felt like I was 12, watching Critters at 1 AM on Cinemax without my parents knowledge. It almost seems like, although not credited as, a remake of the 1975 David Cronenberg flick 'Shiver'. The names pretty similar and it's about creepy crawly slug-like creatures that get under your skin and take over your body. This has a dry sense of humor and not-to real effects. Totally worth a watch.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Slug Sandwich

The Long Goodbye (1973):

This a classic Robert Altman film, that I had never seen before. It stars Elliott Gould as Philip Marlowe, a bumbling, mumbling private detective. He falls into a murder plot along the beaches of Malibu and finds himself in over his head. It's one of the plots that you can't quite figure out until the end. I really enjoyed it. I think I've got a crush on young Elliott Gould (old Elliott Gould is okay, too, he's just a little old for me, you know).
4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Wilbur (Wants to Kill Himself):

I remember seeing a trailer for this along time ago, and thinking it looked funny. It's not.
2 Ft. of Misleading Golden Sandwich

Troy: We have a special guest reviewer today. It's my special lady friend, Leslee.

Let me start by saying I've read the The Aeneid a couple of times. Yes, it's been a few years since then, but I may as well have not known anything about the story, because they glossed over most everything with a golden glow and the occasional slow-mo. No goddesses, no golden apple, no anything remotely good, with the exception of Brad Pitt's thighs. You get to see those a lot. There's also lots of strange slow-mo jumping/stabbing motions.
1 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Brad Pitt Rump Roast Sandwich

Man Without a Past:

This has to be one of the driest comedies ever, but it really works. It's a Finnish film about a man who gets beat up in a park, left for dead, and wakes up with no memory of his life whatsoever. He begins to start his life over again, meeting a Salvation Army worker and quickly falling in love. Then the pieces of his real life start to fall into place. I found myself laughing hysterically at a few parts. It's worth a watch.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Pannukakkua Sandwich (If you were wondering it's some sort of Finnish Pancake)

Black Christmas (1974):

This just recently came out on DVD, probably because they have some crappy remake in the works. This movie ruled. You can really see how influential it was. 'When a Stranger Calls' and 'Scream' are two prime examples of movies that have taken ideas directly from this one. It's directed by Bob Clark, of 'Christmas Story' and 'Porky's' fame, who has some good interviews in the extras on this disc.
It's really got everything you'd want in a horror flick, it takes place at a sorority house, there's creepy phone calls, a hard-nosed Lieutenant with his good for nothing Deputy, and plenty of death.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Coming Up soon on the queueueue:

Hostel

Disco Pigs

Russian Dolls

An Evening with Kevin Smith

Vera Drake

Everybody Hates Chris, Season One

Henry & June

Nobody Knows Anybody

I Am A Sex Addict

Movies-n-Holidays-n-Stuff

So, Thanksgiving was good. We had dinner with Leslee's fam on Thanksgiving day, then my fam came up to Tally from Orlando and we had dinner on Saturday. Also, on T-Day night I became one of those crazy peple who wait in line for 12 hours to save seventy bucks on a printer. I'm still sleepy.

You'll notice a slight theme with these movies. I think it's because of all this holiday cheer goin' around, but I've been watching some really gorey, violent movies. Is there something wrong with me. Usually I love the holidays, but I'm not feelin' them as much this year. Jerkface holidays.

One other thing, I had to have some tests done on my muscles the other day. I think life was getting revenge on me for calling the holidays Jerkfaces, because it was the most painful set of tests I've ever had to go through. The dude put an electrode on my funny bone and shocked the crap out of it, like, 15 times. Seriously! It sucked. Then he started with the needles all up and down my right side, jamming them in the muscles and moving them around, then shoving them in deeper. Just thinking about it makes me hurt. Feel sympathy for me. Send me money or candy or something.

Let's go for a zombie theme this time.

6 in. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich is made without any human flesh whatsoever.
1 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich has, like a pinky toe, but is mostly filler, such as romaine lettuce and sprouts.
2 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich has three or four fatty fingers on it.
3 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This is made with a nice human rump.
4 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This is a hand sandwich.
5 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich is made with lots of fresh human brains!!

I want you to know, it's not that the sandwiches are zombies, it's that the sandwiches are for zombies to eat. Get it?

Movies Watched:

Battle Royale

Lady Vengeance

Audition

Flushed Away

Phantasm

Cronos

Vengeance of the Zombies

Cabin Fever

Sky High

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior

X3: The Last Stand

Re-Animator

Battle Royale:
This is a Japanese flick about the not to distant future, when adults just can't handle teenagers anymore and send them off to an island where they are forced to kill each other. The last one standing is the winner. What they win, I have no idea, but I don't think its bragging rights, because anyone they would brag to they have now killed. This was recommended by my buddy Aaron, and I've been thanking him ever since. It's totally worth checking out.
Each kid gets a bag with a weapon, ranging from a machine gun to a giant fan, some supplies and a map. The map is a grid of the island and every hour "they" announce a danger zone. It's basically to keep the kids on the move. Anyways, there's a lot of blood and death, and even a neck explosion.

4 Ft. Zombie Sandwich

Lady Vengeance:

This is the last in Chan-Wook Park's revenge trilogy. It's interesting, because the trilogy gets less violent as it goes on. This is definitely more character driven. Or maybe it's that I'm getting used to the violence. Maybe I need to switch to another medium, like video games, or a fight club or something, so I can get back that feeling of seeing some really gross violence in a movie.
Anyways, Oldboy is still my favorite of the three, but this rules hard.

4 Ft. of Zombie Sandwich

Audition:

Remember in that last review when I was talking about how I had become desensitized to violence and stuff. Also, do you remember, earlier, when I was talking about those horrible tests I had to have. This movie starts out so slow, you almost want to turn it off, but those last 15 minutes are a doozy. Let's just say, those 15 minutes, involve needles, like the ones used for my test, and perhaps a dudes chest and/or eyeballs. Now, if you like this sort of thing, you should watch this movie, because it's tight! But if you don't like needles and eyeballs and stuff like that, then you should avoid this movie AT ALL COSTS!!

3 Ft. 6 Inches of Zombie Sandwich

Flushed Away:

We took Leslee's cousins to see this while their parents were out anniversarying. It lacks most of the charm that Wallace and Gromit has, and mostly resorts to cheesy slapstick kinda stuff. Also, it's computer animated, instead of clay-mation, and I think that sucks.

2 Ft. of Zombie Sandwich with Wensleydale

Phantasm:

So, I've never seen Phantasm before, but, like I said I've been wanting to watch some gory bloody fun, so I bought this at a blockbuster, used, for a couple of bucks. Totally worth it. It's definitely got some cheese, but man, it rules! Now I totally want to watch the rest of them, but Netflix only has Phantasm 4. I've gotta find me some more Phantasm!!
So, there's a kid and his brother and another dude, who stumble into a plot at a funeral home, headed by a character named Tall Man, who is stealing bodies and using them for some weird stuff. There are weird little dwarves and flying chromed spheres, too. It's tight.

3 Ft. of Alien Zombie Sandwich

Cronos:

This was another used bin find. I was super excited, since I've never seen it before and have heard how great it is. It totally lived up to the hype. Guillermo del Toro, who directed Devil's Backbone and Hellboy, is turning into one of my favorite directors.

It's about an older man, and his grand daughter, who find a device in an old antique, that allows you to live forever. The drawback is that it's, basically, like crack, you have to keep doing it and doing it. There is also another old dude looking for this magical broach and he's got a nephew, played by Mr. Ron Perlman, himself, who has to be one of the weirdest looking people on the planet.
Anyways, you should all check this movie out.

4 Ft. 6 Inches of Zombie Sandwich

Vengeance of the Zombies (1973):

A forgettable zombie flick about an Indian guru dude that unleashes a hord, or a gaggle, or a gang, or a whatever of zombies on a nice quiet little town. The best part of this movie is the soundtrack, which is super over the top and hilarious. I didn't expect much, I bought it for $1 at a CVS.

1 Ft. of Zombie Sandwich

Cabin Fever:

Attractive young people at a cabin in the middle of nowhere, drinking and sexing. You know something bad is going to happen. It turns out there's a flesh eating virus goin' around, watch out everybody!!
This was actually worth a watch, sort of…maybe. I haven't decided, yet.

2 Ft. 6 Inches of Rotten Human Flesh Sandwich

Sky High:

So, my sister and her fam came up for the holiday and I watched through the screaming sounds of my nephew Aiden, who did not want to sleep. I think the only reason I wanted to see it was because Bruce Campbell was in it. He was pretty funny, but I was surprised by the other supporting roles, such as Lynda Carter (AKA Wonder Woman) as the principal, and Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald from Kids in The Hall. For the most parts the movie is a stinker, though. It's basically a smoosh between The Incredibles and Harry Potter.

2 Ft. of Super Zombie Sandwich

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior:

This is a fun kung-fu flick. It claims there are no stunt doubles or strings or "magic". My guess is Tony Jaa is really a kung-fu robot. It would be better, if it had some sort of plot. It's about how this Buddha head type thing gets stolen from this remote village and the dude (Jaa) who has to retrieve it. Somehow, he ends up fighting in an underground gambling club… over and over again.

3 Ft. of Pad Thai Zombie Sandwich

X3: The Last Stand:

So, I had heard a lot of bad things and a few good things about this before seeing it. I generally enjoyed it, but not quite as much as the first two. It definitely replaces some of the character development, which there wasn't much of to begin with, with more action. I thought Frasier was a pretty good Beast and Vinnie Jones was a decent Juggernaut. Overall, it was fun, but I don't think there's any reason to ever watch this again.

3 Ft. of Mutant Zombie Sandwich

Re-Animator:

This is one of those "classic" horror flicks, that for some reason or another I had just never seen. I'm sure some people out there would consider this a sin, but, what can I say, I'm trying to catch up. This rules. It's got the perfect mixture of eighties nerd and goofy horror, to make it awesome.

http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m183/dboldman/reanimator.jpg

This dude rules.
3 Ft. of Re-Animated Zombie Sandwich

Coming Up on the Queueueueueue:

Rockers (1977)
Infernal Affairs II

49 Up

The Beast master

Troy

Slither

Disco Pigs
Hostel

Library finds:

Wilbur (Wants to Kill Himself)

Virgil Bliss

The Man Without a Past

Reel Paradise (Documentary)

Hearts and Minds (Documentary from 1974)

Salesman (A Maysles Brothers documentary from 1968 that I've wanting to see for a long time, but couldn't find it to rent it anywhere and wasn't willing to spend the 40 bucks for it, but it turns out the government paid for it for me!! YAY!!)

Seriously guys, if you have any sort of recommendation, I'm always looking for good movies to watch. Show me, show me, show me.

Lastly, my friend JLP directed me to this awesome poster for a movie version of Will Eisner's "The Spirit". It's going to be directed by Frank Miller who also did the poster art. I can't wait.
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m183/dboldman/SPIRIT.jpg