The Day the Earth Watched Movies

Two awesome movie related things have happened to me since the last movie blog:

Awesome thing number 1:
I joined the Tallahassee Film Society. They show movies at their own little theater called the All Saints Theater and they give you discounts at Miracle Five, our local "indie" theater (Which is owned by Regal, which makes it totally not "indie", but it shows "indie" movies). You also get discounts for the local IMAX theater, which is totally sweet, because I've never seen an IMAX movie and I want to. A lot.

Awesome thing number 2:
I, for some reason, have never taken full advantage of my good friend Lori, who runs the Student Life Theater at the Student life Building at FSU. Lori, prepared to be taken advantage of! She's hooked me up with 2 movie viewings so far, "Meet the Robinsons" and "Shooter". Sweet.

Movies watched in the theatre so far this summer:

Shooter

Knocked Up

Spiderman 3
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Grindhouse (again)

Meet The Robinsons
Paris Je'Taime
Ocean's 13
Waitress

6 in. Golden Sandwich – This is like a thimble full of popcorn that you paid 12 dollars for.
1 Ft. Golden Sandwich – You get a regular size bucket of popcorn, but it turns out to be 3 or 4 kernels and a few pounds of liquid butter "flavoring".
2 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This is like the equivalent of a thermos full of popcorn.

3 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Your pants are full of yummy popcorn.
4 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Oh my god, you have eaten so much popcorn you're about to explode.

5 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Your dead. You ate too much popcorn and you died. That's a good thing!

Shooter:

There is so much shooting and stabbing and stuff blowing up, there's no way this movie could be bad. Or could it? Seriously, though, there is a stab or an explosion or a shot fired in just about every frame, so I have to go with "totally awesome". Or do I? I can't make up my mind. Why don't you watch it for yourself and tell me what you think. Thanks to Lori for hooking us cheap folks up with this flick.
This is the thing, though. Danny Glover is in this movie and for some reason he has braces, which they give no excuse for. They don't give us a reason for the braces. Why didn't they? I don't know. But what your stuck with is a bad guy who has a lisp in a movie called "Shooter", in which he says the words "thooter" and "conthpirathy" and "thniper" and "Thwagger". That's right, he says "Thwagger" a lot. Because the lead characters name is Bob Lee Swagger. What a name! Anyways, Danny Glover walks around saying stuff like "I'm gonna kill Bob Lee Thwagger, if ith the lath thing I do." It's really very funny. It was definitely worth the price of admission: FREE.

2 Ft 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Knocked Up:

The crew of people that made this movie are, to me, some of the funniest people on the planet. And they keep getting funnier. You'll notice everyone in Apatow's former projects, Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared and 40 Year Old Virgin, among others, are all in this movie and they are all hilarious. They make me want to die. I want to be more funny. I wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror and say, "You will be funny today. You will make people laugh. Today is your day. DO IT!" It all usually ends in tears, with me watching The Three Stooges while eating a pint of icing and calling in sick to work.

4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Spiderman 3:

This was a serious disappointment. I had heard it was bad from many people before seeing it. I really thought that it would help not having high expectations. It didn't. This movie is long and lame. The other two movies are cheesy, but comic book cheesy, which adds to the fun. I think the real problem is Sam Raimi stepped over the cheese line. He crossed into the 'Michael Bay just put another character or explosion in they won't notice that the plot doesn't make any sense whatsoever' line. It was another case of trying to make a sequel bigger and better than before, but losing quality on the way. There is some good fun action, but I would have been better off watching the first two again.
2 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End:

This movie is, like, 8 hours long. I felt like I had to see it, because I'd seen the other two in the theater, but seriously my whole lower half was numb by the time it was over. It goes a little slower than the last one, but there is still some fun action and Johnny Depp is totally hot. Whatever. All three movies are basically interchangeable. That could be seen as a good thing or a bad thing, I guess.
2 FT 6 Inches of Chum Sandwich

Grindhouse (again):

So good. I saw this at the Dollar Theater on 75 cent night. What a deal!

5 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Meet The Robinsons:

This is a fun, futuristic, Pixar influenced Disney movie. Which is funny because Disney owns Pixar. It's all for the better, though. I would much rather watch this than Brother Bear, Chicken Little or Lilo & Stitch. So, Disney did something right. I would like to have seen this in its 3D format. Lori, get on that.
It's in that 50's "Incredibles" style, with a sense of humor geared towards kids and adults. Don't get me wrong, Pixar movies are better than this and I am very much looking forward to Ratatouille, but it shows me that Disney may be starting to realize there are only so many princesses or Phil Collins soundtracks an audience can take.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Paris je t'aime:
Around 20 short films all about love stories in Paris. The Directors include, the Coen Brothers, Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run), Gus Van Sant, Alexander Payne (Sideways), Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men), Wes Craven, Walter Salles (Motorcycle Diaries) and many, many more. The stories are great, the short films flow really well together. The stories all have to do with love, but don't they over do it, and, of course some are about unrequited love, which is the best kind of love to make a movie about. It usually includes a lot less sappiness.
4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Ocean's 13:

The whole gang is back in Vegas getting revenge for Reuben over a business deal gone bad, that subsequently puts him in a coma(?). I don't know. What I do know is I love these movies and they can keep making them forever as far as I'm concerned. They are light and fun. The definition of a popcorn flick.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Nugget

Waitress:

This movie made me want pie so bad. This is a fun little non-threatening rom-com, minus most of the rom. It's got good performances by Nathan Fillion, Jeremy Sisto and Keri Russell. She's a pregnant pie-baker, who hates her husband, has an affair with her baby doctor and has a pie for each of life's problems. The pies look so good. I want to eat them. Now, please.

3 Ft. 6 Inches of Pie

There are plenty of movies still to come this summer:

Paprika

Day Watch

Black Sheep

Stardust

The Simpsons Movie

Ratatouille
Sunshine

And so on and so on….

Movies coming up on the Queueueueueueu:

Breach

Lucky # Slevin

13 Tzameti

Vengeance is a Golden Blade

Reds

Woodenhead

Oh, Movies...

It has been too long. Far, far too long. Many things have happened. More things didn't happened. Other things should have happened. My lawn was not mowed and chores were ignored.

Since the last movie blog, my buddy Kirk has moved into our guest room, we bought a Wii, and, due to the 2007 Florida legislative session, I've been ridiculously busy at work and I love to blog at work. All of these things have contributed to me caring very little about blogging. Not that you shouldn't care. You should care a lot.

So, the whole Kirk thing. That guy. He humbles me. He has a vast knowledge of film and film stuff, which puts my knowledge to shame. Actors, writers, directors, directors of photography, choreographers, grips, caterers, he knows'em all. His movie and television collection have taken up many hours of prime blogging time and will continue to take up time until he moves out. At which time I will cry the tears of a baby who has had its pacifier taken away. In this case, the pacifier would be 3 very large cases of DVDs, everyone of which I want to watch. A lot. He also, although he would never want credit for it, has turned me into a (very bad) gamer. Leslee and I are this close (I have my fingers extremely close together) to beating Zelda: Twilight Princess on the Wii. It rules hard. He enjoys ridiculing, he would call it motivating, me while I play video games. I don't mind. He means well. So, yeah, if you don't know him, you should. He rules!

Oh, the Wii. So sweet it is on a crisp morn. I shall play thee 'til my eyes bleedeth and my face melts into my Lazy Boy. How fun you are, with your two controllers and your motion-sensorness. You are a wonder. I shall kiss you when I get home and I shall repeat this process tomorrow.

Onto some movies.

Recently watched:

Hot Fuzz

Grindhouse

Half Nelson

Suspiria (1977)

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry (1974)

Infernal Affairs 2

You know the drill. The ratings go from 6 Inches of nasty Golden Sandwich to 5 Feet of super tasty fine Golden Sandwich. You can figure out the rest. Needless to say, I have watched 8 hundred million movies since the last blog, these are just some of the most recent.

Hot Fuzz:

Go see this. Go see it now! If you love Shaun of the Dead and you better, you will love Hot Fuzz. It's great. So funny.
Simon Pegg stars as Nicholas Angel, a good cop. Too good, in fact, he makes everyone else look bad, which is why he gets sent to the small town of Sandford, one of the safest places in the world. Almost too safe. Thus comes a series of accidents that he is very suspicious of. He teams up with an action movie obsessed man-child played perfectly by Nick Frost. I won't tell you any more, because you need to see it. NOW!!

4 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Grindhouse:

Ditto on the going to see this now thing. I'm sure, at this point, you've heard all about this movie and how it's really two movies with fake trailers in between and it didn't do that well in theatres. Well, I'm here to tell you it is the best movie ever in history period and you should go see it twelve times tonight so it will become a hit and they will make a sequel period

It's got everything:

Zombies

Exploding heads

Melting testicles

Testicles in a jar

Car chases

Danger

Severed limbs

KURT RUSSELL

5 Ft of the best Golden Sandwich EVER!!!!

Half Nelson:

Leslee really wanted to see this. She's got a crush on Ryan "It-boy" Gosling. It kinda looked like Dangerous Minds, but Michelle Pfeiffer is a dude and smokes crack. There are a lot of clichés that are in just about every serious drug movie. Gosling is good, but not great and the movie itself is just plain slow.

2 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Suspiria:

It took a week for me to get through this movie. When I started it, I was home sick from work and Kirk wasn't feelin' too hot, either. We popped this in and right when this blind guy gets his throat eaten buy his seeing eye dog, Kirk has a seizure. Officially making this the SCARIEST MOVIE EVER!! Kirk is good now. We finished the movie a week later. He didn't have a seizure that time.

P.S. If you fall into a room full of razor wire, you will die.

3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry:

This was mentioned a couple of times in Grindhouse so I had to see it. It stars Peter Fonda as Larry, who just so happens to be crazy, and Susan George (Straw Dogs) as Mary. Mary is extremely dirty. Not in the title is their accomplice Deke, played by Adam Roarke. He is neither crazy, or dirty, he's kinda quiet. I guess "Quiet Deke" isn't really title character material. The story is simple: rob grocery store, get chased a lot. It's great. Fun action. Good ending.

4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Infernal Affairs 2:

This is the sequel to Hong Kong flick Infernal Affairs, which was remade into "The Departed". It was good, but I wasn't quite as enthralled as I was for the first one or The Departed. At parts it felt a little too similar to the original.

There are two cops, one is undercover in an organized crime ring, the other is undercover for the mob as a cop. The second story seems to get distracted by a lame love story they tried to shove in there to soften it up a bit. It's worth a watch, but the first one is better.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Coming Up in the queueueueue:

Ichi the Killer

Survival Quest

Dust Devil

Shattered Glass

Battlestar Galactica Season 2 (Another Kirk-influenced pick)

Movies I want to see in the theater sometime soon:

Spiderman 3

Black Sheep

Knocked Up

Paprika

The Simpsons Movie

Ratatouille

Stardust

The Wraith

I haven't done a movie blog in a while. I know, I know, you are all very upset. I could tell by the big piles of e-mails you all have sent me begging for another blog. Of course, I say this in a very sarcastic manner that doesn't quite come across well in writing. I know you don't really care. It's alright, you don't have to pretend. Don't call me. Just don't. I won't pick up. Stop it.

I saw The Wraith last night. I've never seen it. Apparently I'm the only. Charlie Sheen is a guy who comes back from the dead (but has a different face) to get revenge on Packard Walsh (who should probably be killed anyway, due to his unfortunate name). Packard pulls a switchblade on just about every character in the movie, except the guy who is trying to kill him.
Supporting cast: Sherilyn Fenn, Randy Quaid, and the king of weird, Clint Howard, doing his best Eraserhead impression.
This movie is so 80's, I could feel my hair crimping as I watched.
This small desert town (which could also be downtown LA) is caught in the grasp of Packard's gang. A vicious bunch that race you, take your car, then possibly kill you. They also drink radiator fluid and huff WD-40. Seriously. The Sheriff (Quaid) apparently doesn't mind until a mystery man shows up and starts to kill the gang members, by totally racing and beating them, and then they die.
The movie really makes no sense whatsoever. How have I not seen it until now?
Should I blame my parents? I think so.

Movie Blog 3000

So, I've been in kind of a rut. I haven't been up to writing a blog, or going out, or getting up of the couch… and you know what that means, I watched a whole crap-load of movies. I'm talkin' serious. On top of that Leslee and I have been watching a butt-ton of TV shows on DVD. For example: Big Love, The American Version of The Office (Season Two), Extras, Everybody Hates Chris and Police Squad. All pretty amazing shows. We've been in the mood to laugh and all of these, with exception of Big Love, have done a pretty darn good job of it. Big Love does, however, make me appreciate the fact that I only have one wife (I love you stink-ums).

Movies Watched:

Zardoz

Children of Men

Strangers with Candy

Jackass: Number Two

Little Murders

Bride of Re-Animator

Stranger Than Fiction

Idlewild

Pan's Labyrinth

Manhattan

The Brood

Movies Rewatched:

Mimic

Ocean's 11

Ocean's 12 (Gotta start getting ready for Ocean's 13, you know I'm sayin'?….What? Like you aren't excited. Come on, gimme a break.)

Fargo

I wasn't sure what kind of theme I should go for this time around, so I figured I would go for random meats (or meat substitutes).

6-Inch Golden Sandwich: This sandwich is made with neck (probably turkey).

1Ft Golden Sandwich: This sandwich is made with tongue (probably beef, but you can never be sure – remember, don't eat the brown meat and always know your butcher).

2 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one is made with rump.

3 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one with rump substitute (perhaps a rump shaped wheat gluten of some sort)

4 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one with olive loaf (or olive loaf substitute)

5 Ft. Golden Sandwich: This one is made with breast (probably chicken, or chicken substitute, for instance: tofu shaped like a breast).

ZARDOZ:

How have I lived without this movie? Sean Connery is at his best as far as loincloth wearing goes.

This is how this movie got made: Director (John Boorman) has a big, gigantic hit with his previous film (Deliverance), suddenly he has the power of picking his next project and instead of doing the reasonable thing and not making this film, he makes this film, his passion project, of which he wrote the screenplay when he was 12 years old and had his gay brother pick the costumes for (not to imply that a gay man would make a bad costume, only that a gay man may enjoy looking at the unwaxed bliss that is Sean Connery's chest for what seems to be a six hour long movie). It's almost like one of those 'your own farts smell good' sort of situations. You smile, while everyone else gags. It's so bad, it's a must-see.

2 Ft. of Sympathetic Golden Sandwich

Children of Men:

Leslee thought this would be a little too intense for her, so my movie watching buddy, Sondra, and I went to go see this, while Leslee stayed home and crocheted an afghan with Bjork's likeness on it.
If you haven't seen this yet, you should. It ruled hard. With exception of 'Croupier' and 'Sin City' I hadn't been all that impressed with Clive Owen. He pretty much plays the same character in most everything, and he does that here too, but for some reason it works better. Julianne Moore, Michael Caine and Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dirty Pretty Things) are all in it and they're great.

It takes place in the not-to-distant future, where the ladies can't have babies anymore, and the dudes just sit around playing video games all the time, oblivious to everything. Clive ends up being in charge of protecting and transporting the only pregnant woman on Earth. The last twenty minutes are super-intense and awesome. Do yourself a favor.

4 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Strangers with Candy:

This was funny, but pretty much a re-hash of the show. Which was a really funny show, so this was funnier than most movies, but not as funny as I was hoping. They did the tons of wasted guest-stars thing, such as Philip Seymour Hoffman, Sarah Jessica Parker and Alison Janney. The exception being Matthew Broderick, who plays Stephen Colbert's rival science project guru. He was pretty funny. Overall, though, I'd say just watch repeats of the show. Sorry Erin.

2 Ft. 6 Inches of Candy Sandwich

Jackass: Number Two:

I have a confession to make. I love Jackass. I love the show, I love the movies. I love Bam Margera and his parents. I nearly busted my relatively robust gut watching this movie and I'd do it again. Judge me if you must, but this is HI-STINKIN'-LARIOUS.

4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Little Murders:

My buddy Dan lent this to me and I was very much appreciative. It stars Elliott Gould as a down on his luck nihilist who ends up getting in a relationship with the most optimistic woman on Earth, who is bound and determined to change his gloomy ways. Alan Arkin directs and makes a quick appearance in this, but the best supporting actor Golden Sandwich goes to Donald Sutherland, who plays a nihilistic hippie preacher who marries the two in one of the best wedding ceremonies I've ever seen in a movie. Totally worth a watch.

3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Bride of Re-Animator:

Wow, I didn't think they could rival the first one, but they did. With style. Up next 'Beyond Re-animator'. Let's see just how much 'Re-animator' one guy can take. Bring it.

3 Ft. of Re-animated Golden Sandwich (It's got that awesome neon lime sauce on it)

Stranger Than Fiction:

Will Ferrell plays Harold Crick, a dude who starts to hear his life narrated to him as it's happening. Emma Thompson plays the writer writing his life and Queen Latifah Dustin Hoffman and Maggie Gyllanhaal are thrown in there for good measure. I really enjoyed this. It's like Charlie Kaufman-light. You leave the theater feeling very good about the movie, yourself and the world we live in. In other words, if you had the temptation to kick an infant or a kitten or something, you should watch this and you'll probably feel better, but if you don't, you should probably make a paper mache infant or kitten and kick that instead.

4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Idlewild:

I was totally disappointed in this. I'm an Outkast fan and the music in this is pretty good, but not great. The movie is like one long music video. It's got some great effects and cool little bits of filler , but know substance at all. There is no story to this movie. You sit there and you watch it and you realize nothing happens through the whole movie. But Andre 3000 is so cute.

2 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Pan's Labyrinth:

I'm not going to say a lot about this, but that you should go see it with everyone you know. There were a couple of plot issues that bugged me, but are easily made up for in every other aspect. Nobody is making movies like Guillermo Del Toro. The dude rules hard. If you haven't seen The Devil's Backbone or Cronos, you should see those. Even his more mainstream Hollywood movies, like Hellboy and Mimic, rule. I'm already waiting for next movie.

4 ft. 6 Inches if Golden Sandwich

Manhattan:

This is one of those "classic" movies I'd never seen before. I really enjoyed it. It made me realize why people used to care about Woody Allen so much. At this point I've gotten used to seeing his horrible or extremely overrated new movies. The fact that he's 45 and is dating a 17 year old (Mariel Hemingway) in this movie is a little more than creepy, though, considering the events that have transpired since. Sometimes I wish I were a short, whiny, balding Jewish guy with inch thick glasses, so the ladies would like me.

4 Ft. of Ray's Famous Golden Sandwich

The Brood:

This is an early David Cronenberg flick about a couple who are separated and the wife is in an experimental psychiatric hospital. While she's there her loved ones start getting killed of by evil little people. I enjoyed this, but it almost, dare I say it, needs to be remade. It's a movie that would benefit from modern special effects. Especially cool modern special effects.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

So, as far as the Oscars go, I'm kinda surprised at how many of the movies nominated I thoroughly enjoyed this year. Usually I'll only have seen 2 or 3 of all of the movies nommed, but this year I've seen most of them. It makes me wonder, are my sensibilities becoming more mainstream, or did the academy just pick better movies this year. Who knows? They're a bunch of jerks anyway.

Sorry this blog is so long. I'm going to start trying to get these out once a week, but I'm lazy, so don't bet on it.

Coming Up on the Queueueue:

Some Like It Hot

The Devil's Rejects

Polyester

Idiocracy

Rabbit-Proof Fence

Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms

Duck Season

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

Happy-Blogidays-n-Stuff

Sorry it's been so long since the last blog, but I had some stuff to do and some holidays to celebrate and some eggnog to drink. The holidays were good. I did lots of hangin' out and doing stuff. I went to an NBA basketball game for the first time in a very long time. I witnessed the genius that is my brother-in-law, who I must say is a master heckler. It was sweet.
Needless to say I have seen so many movies since my last blog, so what I'm going to do is review the ones I saw in the theater, and list the others in some sort of order, from favorite to least favorite.

Let's go for a four letter word theme.

6 in. Golden Sandwich – Puss Sandwich
1 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Lint Sandwich
2 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Spam Sandwich
3 Ft. Golden Sandwich – BBLT Sandwich (That would be a BLT with extra bacon)
4 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Hams Sandwich
5 Ft. Golden Sandwich – Good Sandwich

Movies Watched in Theater:

For Your Consideration

The Queen

The Good Shepard

Night At The Museum

Babel

Dreamgirls

For Your Consideration:

I don't what people are talking about when they say this movie isn't as funny as the other Christopher Guest movies. I would dare to say that I thought this was better than "A Mighty Wind", and Mr. Guest has gotten his best performance ever from Catherine O'hara, who is absolute genius from beginning to end. Everyone should go see this.

4 Ft. Golden Sandwich

The Queen:

Have you ever noticed how all British people look the same? I couldn't tell the difference between Tony Blair, Prince Charles, Queen Elizabeth or James Cromwell with a fake British accent.

So, I liked this and I think Stephen Frears is an interesting director. He's been all over the place, as far as genres go. For example: Dirty Pretty Things, High Fidelity, Mary Reilly, The Grifters, Dangerous Liaisons, and so on and so on. This felt a little like watching a PBS special. Which is good to me, I love PBS. I love NPR, too and have always thought it would be funny to have a crossover series called "All Creatures Considered". I just don't know if the world is ready.

Anyways, the subject matter is really interesting, taking place the week of Princess Di's death. It deals mostly with the Queen's reaction and the royal families participation in the funeral and the grieving of the nation and the world. It's something that hadn't ever happened before, a former member of the royal family, who was regarded so highly by the public, but not regarded at all by the family. It was a pickle. A yummy british pickle. Pickles go good on sandwiches.

4 Ft. of Golden Spotted Dick Sandwich

The Good Shepard:

I was really bored by this movie. I thought it was going to be about the CIA and why they picked this dude to run it, but it was more about his whiny family whining about how he's never home. Plus, Matt Damon goes from being young to old and doesn't change a bit. He's standing there next to his son, and in real life the actor playing his son is probably older than he is, and I guess mr. big bucks Robert DeNiro didn't have the money for a prosthetics guy to make Matt Damon look old. It's long, too. It's like 5 hours, or something.

2 ft. of Golden Sandwich

Night At The Museum:

This was a big, fun, generic movie. Not great, but fun. I liked that Dick Van Dyke and Mickey Rooney were in it. They're old and who knows how many more movies they're gonna get to do. Ben Stiller can be funny sometimes. I just saw an episode of "Extras" on HBO that he was hilarious on. It's one of those things, though, where a movie has to be generic enough for the mainstream, so Stiller doesn't really get to go crazy. But, he does get paid a lot.

2 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Babel:

I love the broad, multiple story lines of Alejandro Inarritu's movies. This one is beautifully shot and well acted, but is a little long and unbelievable. It takes place in Morocco, Japan and San Diego/Mexico and has a small, solid connection between each place. The problem is that it does seem like it's a coincidence that all of these things are happening at the same time, and some of the events seem like they wouldn't happen the way they do. But anyways, it's not quite as ridiculously depressing as 21 Grams or Amorres Perros, meaning, some of the people actually live at the end.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Dreamgirls:

Leslee and I saw this last weekend and I was pleasantly surprised. I probably wouldn't have seen it without going to hang with some friends and wanting to go see a movie and this just was the right time. The problem with a musical like this is, if you don't like a song or a singer, than you're not going to like that part of the movie, and vice versa with the good parts. Eddie Murphy and Ms. American Idol reject Jennifer Hudson were great, but Beyonce Knowles is like a robot and she's got the voice of a raccoon. The thing I was most surprised by was Jennifer Hudson and the songs she sand. It was 'straight outta the late sixties' soul, my favorite kind of soul.
3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

All the rest of the movies I watched I'm going to list alongside my favorite to least favorite real-life everyday superheroes*

Superhero Movie

1. The Vendor - Kontroll

2. The Electrician - Enter The Dragon

3. The Butcher - Henry and June

4. Landscaper (Scaping the landing, fighting all evil-doers) - Disco Pigs

5. The Grip - Tennis, Anyone?

6. The Appraiser - Eros

7. The Distributor - Street Fighter (1974)

8. The Installer - Queer Duck: The Movie

9. The Dishwasher (Also know as the Dish Destroyer) - Phantasm IV

10.The Contractor - The Devil Wears Prada

11. The Editor (He will edit you out) - Equilibrium

12. The Shrink - Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

13. The Personal Trainer - Hostel

14. The Chaperone - Boy in the Plastic Bubble

15. The Supervisor - Sore Losers

*To get the full effect you must say each of these superhero names in a funny, movie trailer style voice

Coming Up in the Queueueueu:

I Am A Sex Addict

Bride of Re-Animator

Nobody Knows Anybody

Jackass: Number Two

Six O'clock News

Manhattan

Shattered Glass

Rabbit-Proof Fence

Fear No Evil

Movies-n-Junk

I've been feeling the Christmas burn. Does anyone else feel the same way? The only thing that's saving me is the James Brown Christmas CD I've been jammin'. Other than that I'm sick of it already and we've still got 2 weeks until it's over.

A couple of weird things happened to me this week. Leslee and I were taking a walk in our neighborhood the other day and saw the top portion of a set of dentures laying in someone's yard. It was pretty sweet.
Second, if you've lived in Tallahassee long enough, you get to know the town folk pretty well. There's the guy with the huge belly dangling from the bottom of his shirt. He enjoys walking frumpily down the sidewalk and flipping you the bird. Then there's the lady in front of the homeless shelter, who makes sloppy, wet kissy faces at passers-by, which is one of my fondest first memories of Tally. Lastly, There's the lady with giant buzooms. I'm thinking probably 98 double Q's or something. She moseys slowly everywhere she goes. She's got one of those crazy kind of looks that most people avoid like a rabid squirrel. So, anyways, this lady, who is extremely noticeable, tried to pick my pocket yesterday! I was walking through Kleman Plaza, we made eye contact, I did my usual human to human acknowledgment, then she casually tried to reach into my man-purse. I swatted her hand away and she just stared at me. I kept walking, turned around, and she was still staring. Then I was like, "God, I can't wait to blog about this." It was awesome.

Holiday Sandwiches (I guess most holiday sandwiches would include some sort of desert, at least this is all my imagination could come up with)

6 in. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has lumps of coal on it.
1 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has 2 year-old fruitcake on it.
2 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has 1 year-old fruitcake on it.
3 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has fresh fruitcake on it.
4 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This sandwich has cookies and milk on it and must be eaten by your parents late on Christmas Eve.
5 Ft. Golden Sandwich – This is a ginger bread sandwich.

Movies Watched:

Salesman (1969)

Beales of Grey Gardens

Casino Royale (2006)

Reel Paradise

The Beastmaster

49 Up

Rockers (1978)

Slither

The Long Goodbye (1973)

Wilbur (Wants to Kill Himself)

Troy

Man Without a Past

Black Christmas (1974)

Movies Rewatched:

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Layer Cake

Salesman (1969):

This is a documentary I've been wanting to see for a long time, but had a hard time finding it anywhere. I was shocked to discover it in the library. Who would of thought that place was good for anything? This is a Maysles Brothers film, just like the next review.
This is about a group of ruthless bible salesman in the late sixties. They will do or say anything to sell a $50 bible to anyone. If it's just the wife home, they try to convince them to buy the bible as a surprise, if it's just the husband they guilt him into it by telling him how good it would be for his family and if the wife tries to interfere, you hear the inevitable "who wears the pants" line. If you don't buy, they reluctantly leave your house and immediately start making fun of you, your ethnicity and sometimes even your religion. It's amazing. My jaw was on the floor. You finding yourself rooting against them the whole time.
4 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich that I'll sell for 6 easy installments of $7.95

Beales of Grey Gardens:

This is a follow-up to the classic 1974 documentary 'Grey Gardens'. The 90 minutes of footage was shot around the same time as the original, but never released. If you haven't seen the original and you enjoy documentaries, you should watch both. Right now! These women were amazing. Relatives of Jackie O., they still talk like they are members of high society, but their dilapidated house and shabby clothes tell another story. They live with a ridiculous amount of cats, they have raccoons living with them, side by side, and all they eat is ice cream. Yet, they're spirits are up and they seem to have a grand old time living together, yelling at each other and telling stories. The extra features on this Criterion Collection disc, including many Maysles Brothers interviews, are fantastic. Totally worth putting in your queueueue or just buying.

5 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Casino Royale (2006):

So, I'm not much into Bond. I actually don't think I've ever even seen a Bond flick all the way through before, but I thought Daniel Craig was an interesting choice, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It was mostly worth it. There's tons of fun action and cheesy dialogue. There's lots of hot half-nekkid Daniel Craig, and surpisingly not that much half-nekkid ladies. That's one thing I liked, most every character, man or woman, good or bad, is a strong character. There's no room for weaklings in this Bond world.
It's a big ol' fun action flick worth a little looky-loo.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich Phone

Reel Paradise:

This is a documentary about the Pierson Family. John, who is best known for helping discover, among others, Michael Moore, Spike Lee and Richard Linklater. They go to Fiji to show free movies at a shabby old movie theatre in the middle of nowhere. While they are there, their house gets broken into a couple of times and they get all mad and eventually get over it. That's about the only threatening thing that happens. The most interesting part is how much more the kids are affected by Fiji. They're in their teens and adapt very quickly to the culture and schools. Their parents, on the other hand, see it as more of a year-long vacation, so they don't really try to absorb the culture much at all. The whole movie is pretty non-threatening and happy. I prefer dark and depressing, but whatever.

3 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

The Beastmaster:

What more could you want in a movie. There's a dude that can communicate with animals and he's totally ripped. I wonder how much double-sided tape they used for Marc Singer's loincloth. Seriously though, can you imagine a world where this dude and Dr. Doolittle coexisted. If they teamed up they could totally take over the world. On the other hand if they didn't like each other, which I think is the more realistic choice, the world would probably spiral into chaos and mass hysteria. Dr. Doolittle would obviously be the good side and Beastmaster would be the bad (or the dark) side. Ultimately, I think good would triumph, but who knows. Or, maybe, Dr. Doolittle would get control over the cute, fluffy animals, like bunnies and squirrels, and Beastmaster would get control over the ugly animals, like vultures and ugly squirrels. Then I think Beastmaster would probably win. I'm thinking they should do some sort of cross-over comic book or something.
2 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

49 Up:

I'm starting to get sick of talking about these movies. So, I'll talk about something else. When I used to work at Vinyl Fever (a record store in Tallahassee), I used to do ordering for the reggae section. I am a huge reggae fan, and have a pretty big collection, but the thing that was great was you never new what you were going to get when you opened the reggae order box. Usually it was just a matter of the records condition. The copyright laws are (or were) different over there, so pretty much anyone can sell anything by any artist. Ultimately, what happens is everyone has poor pressings and sometimes stuff (dirt, leaves, junk) would be pressed into the vinyl records. A few times we even found marijuana seeds being used for what seemed to be packing material. Very funny. Anyway, the next movie made me think of all of this.
By the way, 49 Up is good.
4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Rockers (1978):

This is a Jamaican flick about a dude who buys a motorcycle so he can become a music distributor and be in a band at a hotel (or something like that). He proceeds to get his bike stolen and tries to seek revenge. The plot doesn't really matter, but the music does. Every once in a while people break out in song, and it's fantastic. I've had the soundtrack for a long time, but didn't realize that everyone on the soundtrack is also in the movie. For example, Gregory Isaacs, Jacob Miller, Burning Spear, Big Youth, Dillinger, and the list goes on. There's also a character named Horsemouth. It's pretty sweet.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Lawd-a-mercy Golden Sandwich

Slither:

If you enjoy cheesy horror, I suggest you see this movie. It rules hard! It's definitely a throwback to 80's cheese horror. I felt like I was 12, watching Critters at 1 AM on Cinemax without my parents knowledge. It almost seems like, although not credited as, a remake of the 1975 David Cronenberg flick 'Shiver'. The names pretty similar and it's about creepy crawly slug-like creatures that get under your skin and take over your body. This has a dry sense of humor and not-to real effects. Totally worth a watch.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Slug Sandwich

The Long Goodbye (1973):

This a classic Robert Altman film, that I had never seen before. It stars Elliott Gould as Philip Marlowe, a bumbling, mumbling private detective. He falls into a murder plot along the beaches of Malibu and finds himself in over his head. It's one of the plots that you can't quite figure out until the end. I really enjoyed it. I think I've got a crush on young Elliott Gould (old Elliott Gould is okay, too, he's just a little old for me, you know).
4 Ft. of Golden Sandwich

Wilbur (Wants to Kill Himself):

I remember seeing a trailer for this along time ago, and thinking it looked funny. It's not.
2 Ft. of Misleading Golden Sandwich

Troy: We have a special guest reviewer today. It's my special lady friend, Leslee.

Let me start by saying I've read the The Aeneid a couple of times. Yes, it's been a few years since then, but I may as well have not known anything about the story, because they glossed over most everything with a golden glow and the occasional slow-mo. No goddesses, no golden apple, no anything remotely good, with the exception of Brad Pitt's thighs. You get to see those a lot. There's also lots of strange slow-mo jumping/stabbing motions.
1 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Brad Pitt Rump Roast Sandwich

Man Without a Past:

This has to be one of the driest comedies ever, but it really works. It's a Finnish film about a man who gets beat up in a park, left for dead, and wakes up with no memory of his life whatsoever. He begins to start his life over again, meeting a Salvation Army worker and quickly falling in love. Then the pieces of his real life start to fall into place. I found myself laughing hysterically at a few parts. It's worth a watch.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Pannukakkua Sandwich (If you were wondering it's some sort of Finnish Pancake)

Black Christmas (1974):

This just recently came out on DVD, probably because they have some crappy remake in the works. This movie ruled. You can really see how influential it was. 'When a Stranger Calls' and 'Scream' are two prime examples of movies that have taken ideas directly from this one. It's directed by Bob Clark, of 'Christmas Story' and 'Porky's' fame, who has some good interviews in the extras on this disc.
It's really got everything you'd want in a horror flick, it takes place at a sorority house, there's creepy phone calls, a hard-nosed Lieutenant with his good for nothing Deputy, and plenty of death.
3 Ft. 6 Inches of Golden Sandwich

Coming Up soon on the queueueue:

Hostel

Disco Pigs

Russian Dolls

An Evening with Kevin Smith

Vera Drake

Everybody Hates Chris, Season One

Henry & June

Nobody Knows Anybody

I Am A Sex Addict

Movies-n-Holidays-n-Stuff

So, Thanksgiving was good. We had dinner with Leslee's fam on Thanksgiving day, then my fam came up to Tally from Orlando and we had dinner on Saturday. Also, on T-Day night I became one of those crazy peple who wait in line for 12 hours to save seventy bucks on a printer. I'm still sleepy.

You'll notice a slight theme with these movies. I think it's because of all this holiday cheer goin' around, but I've been watching some really gorey, violent movies. Is there something wrong with me. Usually I love the holidays, but I'm not feelin' them as much this year. Jerkface holidays.

One other thing, I had to have some tests done on my muscles the other day. I think life was getting revenge on me for calling the holidays Jerkfaces, because it was the most painful set of tests I've ever had to go through. The dude put an electrode on my funny bone and shocked the crap out of it, like, 15 times. Seriously! It sucked. Then he started with the needles all up and down my right side, jamming them in the muscles and moving them around, then shoving them in deeper. Just thinking about it makes me hurt. Feel sympathy for me. Send me money or candy or something.

Let's go for a zombie theme this time.

6 in. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich is made without any human flesh whatsoever.
1 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich has, like a pinky toe, but is mostly filler, such as romaine lettuce and sprouts.
2 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich has three or four fatty fingers on it.
3 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This is made with a nice human rump.
4 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This is a hand sandwich.
5 Ft. Zombie Sandwich – This sandwich is made with lots of fresh human brains!!

I want you to know, it's not that the sandwiches are zombies, it's that the sandwiches are for zombies to eat. Get it?

Movies Watched:

Battle Royale

Lady Vengeance

Audition

Flushed Away

Phantasm

Cronos

Vengeance of the Zombies

Cabin Fever

Sky High

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior

X3: The Last Stand

Re-Animator

Battle Royale:
This is a Japanese flick about the not to distant future, when adults just can't handle teenagers anymore and send them off to an island where they are forced to kill each other. The last one standing is the winner. What they win, I have no idea, but I don't think its bragging rights, because anyone they would brag to they have now killed. This was recommended by my buddy Aaron, and I've been thanking him ever since. It's totally worth checking out.
Each kid gets a bag with a weapon, ranging from a machine gun to a giant fan, some supplies and a map. The map is a grid of the island and every hour "they" announce a danger zone. It's basically to keep the kids on the move. Anyways, there's a lot of blood and death, and even a neck explosion.

4 Ft. Zombie Sandwich

Lady Vengeance:

This is the last in Chan-Wook Park's revenge trilogy. It's interesting, because the trilogy gets less violent as it goes on. This is definitely more character driven. Or maybe it's that I'm getting used to the violence. Maybe I need to switch to another medium, like video games, or a fight club or something, so I can get back that feeling of seeing some really gross violence in a movie.
Anyways, Oldboy is still my favorite of the three, but this rules hard.

4 Ft. of Zombie Sandwich

Audition:

Remember in that last review when I was talking about how I had become desensitized to violence and stuff. Also, do you remember, earlier, when I was talking about those horrible tests I had to have. This movie starts out so slow, you almost want to turn it off, but those last 15 minutes are a doozy. Let's just say, those 15 minutes, involve needles, like the ones used for my test, and perhaps a dudes chest and/or eyeballs. Now, if you like this sort of thing, you should watch this movie, because it's tight! But if you don't like needles and eyeballs and stuff like that, then you should avoid this movie AT ALL COSTS!!

3 Ft. 6 Inches of Zombie Sandwich

Flushed Away:

We took Leslee's cousins to see this while their parents were out anniversarying. It lacks most of the charm that Wallace and Gromit has, and mostly resorts to cheesy slapstick kinda stuff. Also, it's computer animated, instead of clay-mation, and I think that sucks.

2 Ft. of Zombie Sandwich with Wensleydale

Phantasm:

So, I've never seen Phantasm before, but, like I said I've been wanting to watch some gory bloody fun, so I bought this at a blockbuster, used, for a couple of bucks. Totally worth it. It's definitely got some cheese, but man, it rules! Now I totally want to watch the rest of them, but Netflix only has Phantasm 4. I've gotta find me some more Phantasm!!
So, there's a kid and his brother and another dude, who stumble into a plot at a funeral home, headed by a character named Tall Man, who is stealing bodies and using them for some weird stuff. There are weird little dwarves and flying chromed spheres, too. It's tight.

3 Ft. of Alien Zombie Sandwich

Cronos:

This was another used bin find. I was super excited, since I've never seen it before and have heard how great it is. It totally lived up to the hype. Guillermo del Toro, who directed Devil's Backbone and Hellboy, is turning into one of my favorite directors.

It's about an older man, and his grand daughter, who find a device in an old antique, that allows you to live forever. The drawback is that it's, basically, like crack, you have to keep doing it and doing it. There is also another old dude looking for this magical broach and he's got a nephew, played by Mr. Ron Perlman, himself, who has to be one of the weirdest looking people on the planet.
Anyways, you should all check this movie out.

4 Ft. 6 Inches of Zombie Sandwich

Vengeance of the Zombies (1973):

A forgettable zombie flick about an Indian guru dude that unleashes a hord, or a gaggle, or a gang, or a whatever of zombies on a nice quiet little town. The best part of this movie is the soundtrack, which is super over the top and hilarious. I didn't expect much, I bought it for $1 at a CVS.

1 Ft. of Zombie Sandwich

Cabin Fever:

Attractive young people at a cabin in the middle of nowhere, drinking and sexing. You know something bad is going to happen. It turns out there's a flesh eating virus goin' around, watch out everybody!!
This was actually worth a watch, sort of…maybe. I haven't decided, yet.

2 Ft. 6 Inches of Rotten Human Flesh Sandwich

Sky High:

So, my sister and her fam came up for the holiday and I watched through the screaming sounds of my nephew Aiden, who did not want to sleep. I think the only reason I wanted to see it was because Bruce Campbell was in it. He was pretty funny, but I was surprised by the other supporting roles, such as Lynda Carter (AKA Wonder Woman) as the principal, and Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald from Kids in The Hall. For the most parts the movie is a stinker, though. It's basically a smoosh between The Incredibles and Harry Potter.

2 Ft. of Super Zombie Sandwich

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior:

This is a fun kung-fu flick. It claims there are no stunt doubles or strings or "magic". My guess is Tony Jaa is really a kung-fu robot. It would be better, if it had some sort of plot. It's about how this Buddha head type thing gets stolen from this remote village and the dude (Jaa) who has to retrieve it. Somehow, he ends up fighting in an underground gambling club… over and over again.

3 Ft. of Pad Thai Zombie Sandwich

X3: The Last Stand:

So, I had heard a lot of bad things and a few good things about this before seeing it. I generally enjoyed it, but not quite as much as the first two. It definitely replaces some of the character development, which there wasn't much of to begin with, with more action. I thought Frasier was a pretty good Beast and Vinnie Jones was a decent Juggernaut. Overall, it was fun, but I don't think there's any reason to ever watch this again.

3 Ft. of Mutant Zombie Sandwich

Re-Animator:

This is one of those "classic" horror flicks, that for some reason or another I had just never seen. I'm sure some people out there would consider this a sin, but, what can I say, I'm trying to catch up. This rules. It's got the perfect mixture of eighties nerd and goofy horror, to make it awesome.

http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m183/dboldman/reanimator.jpg

This dude rules.
3 Ft. of Re-Animated Zombie Sandwich

Coming Up on the Queueueueueue:

Rockers (1977)
Infernal Affairs II

49 Up

The Beast master

Troy

Slither

Disco Pigs
Hostel

Library finds:

Wilbur (Wants to Kill Himself)

Virgil Bliss

The Man Without a Past

Reel Paradise (Documentary)

Hearts and Minds (Documentary from 1974)

Salesman (A Maysles Brothers documentary from 1968 that I've wanting to see for a long time, but couldn't find it to rent it anywhere and wasn't willing to spend the 40 bucks for it, but it turns out the government paid for it for me!! YAY!!)

Seriously guys, if you have any sort of recommendation, I'm always looking for good movies to watch. Show me, show me, show me.

Lastly, my friend JLP directed me to this awesome poster for a movie version of Will Eisner's "The Spirit". It's going to be directed by Frank Miller who also did the poster art. I can't wait.
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m183/dboldman/SPIRIT.jpg